Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?