Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I put the mess in domestic.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.