*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
it’s finally my moment to shine
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.