“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.