After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”