What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple