*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Liquor Store Parking
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’