Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”