{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Florida be like…
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.