I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Software Development ⛵️
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.