Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
i love meeting boys on tinder
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me