I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.