Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
i wish we could shoplift online
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.