Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You Might Also Like
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The 6 types of sex
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”