What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.