Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?