My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult