an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse