So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Practicing safe sax
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Children of the corn 🌽
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?