me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.