Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.