So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food