My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people