Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
🤣🤣🤣
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀