I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
spot the difference
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.