Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.