[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte