Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.