Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed