Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?