Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.