How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Perfect.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
calling in to work dehydrated
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.