USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!