Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
beware of dog
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Is this you?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say