I identify as an antique shop.
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Y’all know who you are.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Rooting for the overdog
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive