I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss