Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
welp