Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Girl, same.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her