[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”