[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun