I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
#merica
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school