[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
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What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.