[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
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I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when