Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Lmao
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.