If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please