Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
eating my hot dog hamburger style
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.