MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Whoa… oh I see lol
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
This was my dad’s browser history.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.