Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.