How about daylight saves us for once
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”