What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
our love story in four pictures
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
ibopfufen
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.